By Tosha Sambhus
Cats” is wonderfully horrible. The movie features A-list celebrities awkwardly crawling infur suits, moving their arms and ‘tails’ in shockingly unnatural ways, and some stunningly bad musical numbers.
The movie starts with Victoria (Francesca Hayward), our protagonist, being thrown out in a sack. After being abandoned by her owners, she starts associating with the “Jellicle Cats,” a gang of street cats. The movie progresses with different cats taking the spotlight. Jennyanydots (RebelWilson), a fat house cat sings about her troubles in a musical number featuring her eating singing beetles whole. Bustopher Jones (James Corden) is a rich street cat decked out in fancy clothing.A particularly enjoyable musical performance was Rum Tum Tugger’s (Jason Derulo), whose refreshing style almost made me forget that he was naked in a cat suit. The Jellicle Cats tell Victoria about the Jellicle Ball, where one special cat is chosen to be born into a new life. Grizabella (Jennifer Hudson) is a banished member of the tribe. One of the only redeeming moments of the film is Hudson’s rendition of Memory, which was a moving and emotional performance. Macavity (Idris Elba) shows up to kidnap the other cats so he will be chosen by default. Bombalurina (Taylor Swift) gives one of the worst performances of the entire cast, when she sings about being an associate of Macavity. Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench), shows up to judge the Jellicle Ball and determine who will be ascending.
“Cats,”when on Broadway, was never known for its plot. It relied on musical and dance numbers, and mainly visuals to attract an audience.
This movie fell short on that front too. The singers in the movie were far too natural and relied on a strong voice that most of them didn’t have. Their voices didn’t mix well together and apart from some shining moments featuring exceptional singers (Dench and Hudson), the songs lacked in emotion and raw talent. And honestly, a viewer can’t focus on anything but the nudity of these cats. I just don’t understand why some of the cats wear clothes, while others slink around in their birthday suit. I believe the CGI is designed to make you uncomfortable because there’s honestly no other reason for the editors to have gone that hard. Why are they naked? I repeat, WHY are they naked? The way their tails move when they’re standing still makes me want to keep a knife on me at all times. Bombalurina is the best example of the worst CGI I have ever experienced. Her face doesn’t move with her body, and the whole dance sequence feels awkwardly photoshopped. Most of the dance sequences weren’t filmed well. The appeal of musicals is watching long drawn out shots so you can experience the whole dance sequence. This movie inserted 50 cuts throughout one number. The fast-paced editing doesn’t allow one to just enjoy the simple beauty of a musical performance.
If you asked me what was going on at any point of the movie, I couldn’t tell you. I just accepted that confusion was a natural response to this movie and ‘tried’ to enjoy the musical numbers without thinking.
This is NOT a movie you should watch alone. I made that dreadful mistake. This will haunt my dreams for years to come. In 2043, when I think I’ve forgotten about Bombalurina, she’ll come back as my sleep paralysis demon to remind me that there are some things you can never escape. Normally, I would welcome Idris Elba whispering in my ear, but that singing number made me so uncomfortable. They were really trying some ASMR (Autonomous SensoryMeridian Response). Please Mr. Hooper (the director of “Cats”), put it away. Nobody, not even the director, knows the tone of the movie. One second, creepy street cats will wrap their tails around Victoria and then they’ll do ballet together. I just get so uncomfortable whenever they move. Why do their arms have to do that?? And WHY do their tails move with them? What is the reason? It feels like when you had to play a tree in middle school and you didn’t want to be left out, so you just waved your body in the background. The movements feel forced and unnecessary and the movie would have been better off without them.
This movie honestly can’t decide what it is. Is it meant to make you uncomfortable? Is it meant to make you laugh? Does it know how bad it is? “Cats” takes itself so seriously, I can’t tell. But that’s no reason for you not to enjoy it. In a group, this movie would be great to watch. It’s like Wiseau’s infamous movie, “The Room”. It’s so bad, it’s good and you must experience it once in your lifetime. However, I’d like to reiterate: DO NOT watch it alone. I, personally, love to sleep and this movie has taken that away from me. Everyone hisses at each other. I hated myself 20 minutes in. Judi Dench and “Memory” are the only parts of this movie I enjoy. I’m literally exhausted. This movie drained me.